12:15

 

Sometimes I get so tired of how much effort it takes to be mentally ok.

It’s like a checklist, a prescription for happiness.

-       Exercise x times a week

-       Practice these breathing exercises

-       Be mindful of your own thoughts

-       Get enough good sleep

-       Eat these things

-       Make sure to schedule in time every week to see friends and family

-       Talk to a stranger with a degree about your feelings and issues for 50 min a week

There you go, recipe completed. Happiness in a bottle.

I am so tired of thinking of the people in my life as a ‘support network.’

I am so tired of hearing about ‘mindfulness.’

I miss just being happy, without thinking about it, without having to put this much work into it.

 

-myselfsquared

“Damn it,” I hiss for I-don’t-know-I-lost-count time within a short time span as I feel my patience slowly disappear. Tiredness and exhaustion showing in every single one of my bones, my body so stiff it feels like I slept on the cold floor for God-knows-how-long. The most unfortunate part about it is the reason behind my bad state, overworking, overstressed, overthinking, overwhelmed with everything. But despite it all, I’m doing quite well with keeping my head up like it’s all good, not wanting everyone to see how I’m struggling to keep living.

Being the kind of person I am now comes with hardships I thought I’d never get into. There’re so many aspects I hadn’t considered and they give me a lot of trouble. Trouble to overcome it, trouble to run from it.

Thinking about all of the problem I still have to cope with, even though I am not in a very good state, has me sighing deeply. My fingers automatically finding my phone, message the people that I hope would understand, in hopes to reduce some of the pressure, some of the stress, but they didn’t understand. Or maybe, they just didn’t care.

I didn’t want to do anything at all. I just want to lay in my bed all day and I can’t even do that. Every hour, every second, I feel like I have no energy left. I’m not in the mood to do anything, not even the thing I used to like, not even the thing that I should do to keep living. I have no interest in the future, what will I be like, what will I do, who will still be by my side. I keep drifting away from the people that I love, it’s not because I don’t love them anymore. I think I’m just not ready to do any social thing at all. I’m tired of my life, I’m tired for being like this. Everyone has the right to hate me right now, because I don’t even love myself to begin with, and I know I can be such an ass like I am right now. I just have no energy to deal with people (even my friends), with my problem, with my life, that I just cut everything off me.

People say, “Time will heal every problem you have right now, you should just keep pushing yourself,” but they don’t know that I have been pushing myself since I was born. To be a good daughter, to be good in everything, to be anything but failure, to be a pretty and kind person, to be a grown-up woman, to be someone I have always dreamed of. I have been pushing myself to the point where that saying is kind of annoying. Time doesn't seem to pass by, seconds turning into hours, days into weeks, weeks into months, and here I am, still dealing with the same thing over and over again. The longer I have to deal with my life problem that can’t seem to end, the more I feel my insanity fading away.

I keep questioning in my head, “Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to keep living this life? Why did I have to fail in every aspect of my life? What did I do wrong?” hoping that someone will answer. Hoping that maybe right now, God is just testing me. Hoping that this will end somehow, hoping that I still have a future I dreamed of. But I, myself, out of all people, should know that I shouldn’t expect too high out of something uncertain. I only have myself to count on and I’m not even mentally stable to face this life.

When people say, “You should be grateful for the state you’re in, there’re people worse than you,” I think about what should I be grateful for. I just want to rest, from everything. I just feel like I want to stop. But every single sanity left in my mind says to keep going, that I will regret if I stop now.

 

∞

 

And for the people who is selfish enough to tell me ‘what should I feel’ and ‘how should I deal with it’ and that ‘I am wrong for being like this’, please stop. It’s making me feel worse, I am not stupid and I know that I shouldn’t be like this.