09.09 : Changes

 I’ve changed.

Irrevocably.

Permanently.

Pain does that to people.

I just don’t know if I’m getting used to the change…

Or the pain.

-unknown

“Do you ever feel like you’ve changed?” She asked.

“Why?” He replied.

“I feel like I’ve changed,” she paused, “and I don’t like who I’ve become. I tried so hard to fit in and lost who I am. I don’t even know myself anymore.”

“But we are always changing, we are constantly redefining our identity, it isn’t something static. I know how it feels to try hard to fit in, and find that you lose yourself in the process. What can I say to that? If you don’t like what you’ve become, then change yourself to be who you want to be,” He said.

“It’s not that easy. I feel like I have changed so much, and so little at the same time. I feel like I want to be the old me, but want to stay the new me. It’s a contradiction all in itself,” she holds her head in frustration.

“It’s so confusing, your life,” he gave her sympathetic smile.

“You know I just want to be every part of me without losing any part along the way. I feel like I don’t even know me these days. Sometimes, I even amazed at what I just said or did. I feel like the old me wouldn’t say or do that if I was in that situation,” she sighed.

“Do you know why you feel like that?” He asked.

“I actually don't know, I think maybe the place I live now is not the best environment for me to live in, maybe it's because of the people i surround myself with, or maybe it's because of me,” She said.

“You know, it’s amazing to look back and realize the changes that the people in your life have brought, so you can be the person you’re today, but sometimes those changes aren’t always for the best and YOU have to decide if the friendship is worth it. It’s hard to have to reevaluate relationships that have been so central to who you are for so long, it’s especially hard to ask the question ‘Is it really time for me to leave this person behind?’ Some people still have a lot of maturing to do, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t be the push to get them there. Sometimes it’s really up to the person to see beyond their choices and differentiate between what is okay and what is actually right. The thing to remember is that you can only hope that they will realize it’s wrong eventually, but you can’t waste your life waiting for that to happen. You have to realize that their unhealthy behavior should solely affecting them and if they’re affecting you or your idea of who you are, it’s ok to focus on your other friendship or things in your life. You can care about a person so deeply, but that doesn’t mean that it’s right to stick around and chain yourself to their toxic behavior. You have to realize that they aren’t the right person to have as a part of your life right now,” He said.

"You know, actually I think it's my fault that I am broken like this. Maybe I'm the cause of my brokenness. I am broken, and I try to find a way to blame the others. The people I'm with, the surrounding, the environment. I'm afraid that it's just me, it just me who can't bear the truth, that I'm broken because of myself. I make myself be more and more broken each day, I even feel the changes, that I'm changing for the worse, but I didn't do anything. What if it's just me, blaming other people for my brokenness? What if I’m the reason of it?" she asked.

"You know, blame doesn't empower you. It keeps you stuck in a place you don't want to be because you don't want to make the temporary, but painful decision, to be responsible for the outcome of your own life's happiness. And about you being 'broken', oh dear, you should know how I hated those words. Your brokenness doesn't define you. We all feel broken from time to time, because life can seem heartbreaking and terrifying when we go through certain experiences. These life lessons only make us stronger and more capable of dealing with life, though, so use your brokenness as a gift that will help you grow as a person."

∞