It's My Birthday

 Hi there, yesterday’s my birthday (Happy Birthday to me, HAHA).

And I’ve been feeling kinda blue since the day before. I cried. A LOT. And I felt grumpy, moody, and on edge, it literally affect everyone. I never experience something like that my whole life. All this time, I’ve been growing up thinking that birthday is something to celebrate. That it should be the happiest day of the year. But this time, I can’t help but feel kinda depressed. I’ve been searching on google on why this is happening to me. They said it called ‘Birthday Blue’, and there’re some reason that caused it.

After reading several articles, I thought to myself that it was because last year, my birthday was kinda traumatic. It happens when my mom fell sick and everything went downhill from that moment. I was at the lowest point of my life and I just wanted to die. Yeah, I have that thought but have no courage to do it (Thank God). I’ve been dealing with some pretty depressing shit, and I just wanted to give up. Yeah I’m a coward, I know.

I feel a bit nervous about writing this as I’ve never really spoken to anyone about this. I don’t even understand entirely how I feel and here I am trying to explain it like a professional, lol. So here it is, my story.

That day, my birthday, that I’ve been waiting for the whole year, didn’t exist. Everyone was busy on their task, and because my mom was sick, I have to work to replace her. The only thing that makes me happy was my boyfriend (thank God he remembered) posted about me on his Instagram. I know he couldn’t give me a gift cause we’re home all the time and didn’t get any monthly allowance, but seeing that post made my day. And after all that tiring piles of work, I have to listen to my parents screaming at each other the whole evening. Yeah, covid 19 makes their relationship worse, and I have to listen to them fighting literally almost every day, including my birthday. And me, being me, after bottled my emotion up for about a month, I broke down, hard. I think it is the worst birthday I’ve ever had in my life. Hearing it like that, I feel like I just want to disappear. Cease to exist. I don’t particularly want to kill myself (because I’m too scared to) but I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to finally being at peace. I feel worthless and helpless, and there’s nothing I could do to fix this. I started to lose my passion and desires. I’m just constantly feel empty and scared at the same time if that makes sense.

I feel like even I’m at home, I don’t feel belong and I don’t think I really want to. I had no person to tell my frustration to. I finally realize just how unhappy I am and it scares me. Everyone think I’m ok but I actually am miserable. And at that lowest point of my life, one of the most important people in my life, my boyfriend leaves me. I was heartbroken and feel unwanted on every aspect of my life, and I feel like everyone would be happier without me. I didn’t actually spill the details because it was too hurtful to remember.

Yeah it was the darkest and lowest point of my life, and then I met him.

Let’s call him S.

Hi, S.

I met you at the lowest point of my life, and even if I didn’t tell you everything, you listen to me, and you didn’t pressure me to tell you. And I just feel so thankful that I found you. You knew I was broken in pieces, but you wanted me. You knew that I wasn’t fully ready for a relationship and you waited for me. I don’t even know what you see in me, that makes you love me. You’re so kind, caring, patient, and maybe, you’re the combination of all the good personalities that I can tell. You are perfect. And me? I’m not pretty. My hair doesn’t always look cute and it is often greasy and limp. I wear jeans and t-shirt most of the time and my make up will never be perfect. I’m clumsy and moody too. And I didn’t think you liked it at all. But thank you for loving me and accepting me for who I am, my flaws and all. Thank you for reminding me that I’m beautiful and taking pride with that. Thank you for treating me gentle and soft and looking out for me when I couldn’t.

Thank you for trying hard to make me happy. And thankyou for today too, you literally traveled 700 km just to surprise me on my birthday. It really made my day (I was really surprised too that I called you crazy for doing that). I still couldn't believe you did that for me, even after I ignored you the day before because of my mood. You make my birthday blue go away, and thank you for cheering me up in ways that I could never imagine. You always surprise me. I love you.

 

Always and forever,

J.