An update of my life

 

Growing up, I had a stereotypical idea of what a mid-life crisis looked like, but it really isn’t what I imagine it would be. 

For the most part, my 20's have felt like I’ve been stuck on a treadmill. Running forward, but stationary. Going nowhere fast. It sounds paradoxical, yet I can’t think of a better way to describe what I’m feeling. This feeling like I’m done, stagnant, as if the best years of my lives are behind me. I’m 23 this year, and I can’t possibly be done yet. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am. The thought is so paralyzing that I can hardly get out of bed. I scroll and keep scrolling my phone because what’s the point? I took my shot at life and wound up here. I wallow in my own self-pity, in the sinking and suffocating realization that my life did not turn out the way I had hoped.

Where am I now? I’m working odd jobs in the middle of nowhere, alone, just because of my ambitions for having a good career couple years earlier from the others. To top it all off, I can’t even complain.

I went to university because I didn’t quite know what to do after high school. All I know was school, so I pressed on. Surely, I’d find my way. 

Post-university and I still have no fucking clue. In many ways, I’m in worse shape than when I started. I did what everyone else did because everybody was doing it. I follow the breadcrumbs of academia and higher education, and suddenly find myself staring at the deep end and asking, “What now?”. It was exhilarating to think that I was finally going to be an ‘adult’.

I’m 23, but I feel twice that age. My back hurts all the time, I struggle to get out of bed, I often had headache and my energy drain so fast. Where are all these people with a spring in their step? Adulting is hard. Netflix is right there.

I have OCD, but not the normal kind of OCD, its abbreviation of obsessive comparison disorder. Some of my friends have just gotten a promotion, some of them moved to different country to continue their study, while others have gotten engaged and are boasting about their upcoming wedding. But I am right here, looking up ways to survive this life crisis. How am I so depressed and insecure when I’m meant to be at the prime of my life? What’s missing?

“Just quit if it affects your mental health,” said someone to me.

It’s not that easy. It’s not like I have a choice right now. It’s because of my own idealism that I got into this mess, and yes, of course, I blame myself, hard.

I feel like I’m stuck in this constant stress zone, because I can’t meet everyone’s expectation, including my own. I’ve failed myself and it makes me afraid to have another expectation of me in the future. I’m afraid to dream because I’m afraid to let myself down again and again.

I don’t think my life have meanings anymore. I’m just a working robot. Repeating all the same schedule, all the same work, every time. Trying not to hope for anything, trying to live in the present.

Am I happy? I’m not sure.

I regret almost all decisions I’ve made after university, especially working on the job I am right now. But it was during this time that I learned a lot of the hard knock lessons of life, no one cares how hard you tried. Effort is all that matters, they said. But the world is a cold place, and it doesn’t give out medals for participation.

And sometimes, just sometimes. I wonder if I will make it through.