Dear You

And maybe,

When the time is right,

We can meet again as a stranger,

That know each other far too well.

Stranger that somehow,

Still feels like home.

-o-

Dear you,

I used to be able to write about you for hours, about how much I love you, and how I’m always going to care about you. But now, I’ve found that my brain is empty when it comes to you. It hurts me when I write about us, the beautiful memories, it stings. I cry every time I try, and now, I couldn’t hold back the feeling of missing you. So, I try to pour it all out.

To be honest, I never thought we would come to the place we are in now and I wished someday when the universe lets you see this blog, you have now found peace in your heart.

In these past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about you, about us. I just want you to know that I don’t blame nor hate you. And I want to write this, something to remember us by, to cherish our beautiful memories that I couldn’t seem to forget. I recently realized that the feelings that I thought would go away, didn’t, and I don’t think that they’re ever going to, and I want you to know that I regret a lot of what happened. I regret a lot of the decisions that I made, or didn’t. I want you to know that if I could go back to that point where everything went downhill, I would take a different route, because as much as I’ll outwardly deny it, I wish that it was me and you.

I'm sorry I blamed you at first. It's because I didn’t want to lose you, but you pushed me to the point where I have no choice other than to let you go. And I know it’s just an excuse, because at the end, it takes two to tango. I never meant to hurt you. It’s just that I’m so disappointed that I couldn't hold on much longer, that our relationship has come to an end. I knew you didn’t mean what you said, or what you did back then, but I just couldn’t let it go. Both of us was too childish and too selfish to hold back, and we couldn’t help but hurt each other and it became toxic. I’m sorry if I ever hurt you in anyway, I really am.

 

I’m currently sitting on my bed, thinking about you once more. I’m not in love with you the way I used to be, but I always going to have so much love for you. I know I shouldn’t love you, but I just can’t help it. I know I shouldn’t, but a small part of me hopes you’re coming back. We always come back together, but this time, I’m not sure that we will, and that’s what I’m scared of. I can’t lose you, we know each other too well to just forget the past three years.

Three months ago, I made the decision to move photos and videos of us to a hardisk so that I couldn’t get a flashback of our moments. When I did that, I felt the hole in my heart stretch a little wider. I never really imagined life without you for real. We had so many memories together whether they were those amazing memories or the really bad ones, and we were never really be apart from each other. It’s like we always find our way back.

I remember the first time we talked, the first time we kissed. The film was just an excuse to be with you. We didn’t even watch the whole movie, and I remember everything very clearly, the way you kissed me, the way you smelled, the way you looked at me. It still hurts to think that we’re not together anymore.

Do you remember the first time we had a matching outfit that your mom bought for us? I was very happy, because I thought you would never want something cheesy like that. Or when you held me in front of others, or when you did everything to make sure I was warm when we were sleeping, or when you made me laugh at 3 a.m. with some lame jokes, you made me the happiest person and I’m not sure if anyone can ever make me that happy again. We have spent so much time together, there is just so much to remember, and so much to forget.

It’s been months since we broke up, almost a year I can say, and I keep telling myself that one day I will adjust to the fact that you no longer feel the way I feel for you. I keep thinking about all the times I have spent in your room, your warm kisses, the way you touched me, the way you shielded me from all the things you thought could hurt me. You were everything to me, and suddenly, things got bad between us.

You broke me in ways you cannot imagine. I cried myself to sleep at night for months, and I was scared to fall in love again, but I will always love you, and you truly are my favorite person. I will always cherish and love those three years with my whole heart, even the rough parts because they made us stronger and love each other more. I’m never going to love anybody the way I loved you, and I’m sorry that we couldn’t work, I truly am. I wish I could say goodbye and know that we would go back to each other, but this time, I don’t think we will.

I used to think that we were going to get married because we would always find our way back to each other, but we both deserve better. We both deserve a love that treats us right, especially you. You fucked up a lot, but I know you never do it on purpose. I know you never meant to hurt me, and I never really felt true happiness until I was in your arms. I never felt so safe and protected, and that’s the feeling that I’m going to miss the most. I love you so much I could let anyone go but you. But now, I have learned that loving someone sometimes isn’t enough reason to stay. I’ve learned that sometimes two people need to fall apart without each other to realize how much they need one another. I’ve learned that in the end, no matter how much I love you, I have to put myself first. It’s so weird to think of the people we used to be, we used to be so in love. We used to put each other over everything and everyone. We used to stare at each other in the eyes for hours. We cared about each other so much and I miss that. I miss when we had a chance to work out, but now I know that we never will.

I don’t know the purpose of me typing all this out and I have no clue where this is gonna go. But let me start with saying thank you. I feel like I never actually thanked you for loving me and just being there for me. You came into my life during a weird phase, I was in such a dark place. You physically made me feel so alive, you made me whole, you kept me together and you were always there for me when I needed someone to be. Whether I was going through problem with myself, or other people, it was always you. I can’t thank you enough for that. I know I wasn’t the easiest person to love, but thank you for trying to love me for the time we shared.

I should start this one off with saying that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the hurt I completely brought you. For being toxic in every ways you saw, for making a big deal out of things I definitely should have not, and the countless amounts of attitude you had to deal with. I wish I never put you in those situations. I had so much going on and I know that is never an excuse but I should’ve never taken my problems out on you, you were always there to support me and I used you as a punching bag when things got bad. I am so sorry to let you down. I also know I’ve said that a lot in this blog, but deep down, I honestly mean it. I know you always said that my sorry wasn’t sincere enough, but I hope one day you can forgive me.

I really loved you, and I think I always will. I wanted nothing in the world but you, and you became my world because you pulled me out the dark and helped me live. I don’t think anyone ever loved me the way you did (and I hope you still do), and I don’t think anyone ever will. You should know that you always have a special place in my heart that no one could ever replace. If I could go back and fix everything I would, but sadly I can’t. I pray that you won't hate me, I couldn’t be mad if you do though. I can’t understand the pain I brought to you. You can sit there and say that I don’t love you, but I 100% did love you for the time we shared, and even for a while after we broke up, and I still love you to this day.

Even now, that I’ve found someone new, I haven’t truly moved on from you, but I’m trying to. That someone is really kind and I’m trying to take care of his feelings. I can’t help to compare him to you, it’s like I’m searching for your qualities in him, and sometimes, I wish it was you that has his qualities. I wish that it was you that was so kind, so patient, and so understanding. And the world will be so much simpler. I know that it’s impossible, and it hurts me because he really is so kind, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings by loving you, but I can’t help it. It’s not like you are a bad person, but I just wish that it was you, staying by my side, having a healthy relationship, understanding and trusting each other.

I’d be so selfish to ask for your forgiveness, because I know I put you through hell and back, but one day I really hope you forgive me for breaking us up. And just so you know, I’ve forgiven you and I hope for the best that life could give you, even if it’s not with me. I pray our stars collide once more in the future, maybe as a friend? I’ll never know if I’ll get the chance to love you once more, but if I do, I hope we last, one day, when we’re more mature and not some childish teenagers.

I just want you to know that you’re such an amazing soul and wonderful person in your own way, and I pray one day you’ll be able to see yourself like I do. I pray life starts going good for you, that’s something I can’t wait to see from the sidelines. I hope you get big in everything you do. I hope your grandma is doing well, along with your mom, dad and sister. I just overall wish you well in the future and now.

Thankyou for putting up with me, and thankyou for being there for me when nobody else was, thankyou for loving me with your whole heart. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know. You’re my best friend, and my favorite person, I love you.