The Only One Trying.

“This isn’t working,” he said

“But, I’m trying to fix it. I’m trying to fix us. I’m trying to fix me,” her lips trembled

“There’s no way you can do that,” he said

“I’ll prove you wrong,” she asserted

“You don’t need to,” he said

“Actually, I don’t think I’ll ever put up with you.

We’re just wasting our time,” he said

-o-

It wasn't the first time that they had this conversation.

It wasn’t the first time that the tears welled from deep inside, coursed down her cheeks.

She analyzes everything he said to her,

Putting up with her implies that he considers her as a burden. It’s like he’s forced to tolerate her, and if he could, he probably would change her to make her easier to deal with.

But, a relationship is about accepting each other, right?

For her, accepting means that he has come to terms with whatever it is that was an issue, and it isn’t going to be an issue anymore, because he has accepted that. They just have to find a way to work with it. Is it wrong?

Truth is, she doesn't mind improving her weaknesses if that means he'd stay.

But what if he couldn’t accept her, even if she has tried to change herself?

Maybe, it really is because of her,

Maybe, she’s just difficult to love and easy to leave.

She knows that she can be hard sometimes, and maybe he has enough of her.

Maybe, he’s tired of her.

That’s the problem, isn’t it?

Because now, he hardly made an effort to see her anymore. 

-o-

She’s hollow and hard around the edges.

She couldn’t do anything about that, that's just the way she is.

And on those rare moment when someone was brave enough to take the leap, she gave all herself to him.

Sometimes, it feels like she was already hurt and broken,

yet she still loves him with all her pieces.

Sometimes, it feels like he gives her just enough of himself for her to hang in there, to stay close to him.

Maybe it’s just on her imagination, but she feels like he won’t let her go.

-o-

This isn’t the kind of love she sees in movies, nor is it romantic in any way. It’s not the story of two people falling in love with each other, go on dates, text all day, and open their hearts to one another during midnight calls.

She’s fighting for someone who’s only half present, half available.

Someone who keeps his relationship undefined,

because maybe,

she wants him, but he doesn't.

-o-

Staying with him is like a win or lose game,

In the end, it’s either winning the war or losing everything, including herself.

Yet she chooses to stay,

because he was the best terrible things she has met in a long time,

because being with him made her feel that maybe, she didn’t need to keep planning anymore, it felt like she was actually living.

∞

Fighting for love is a bit of an oxymoron,

and you have to decide if it’s really worth fighting for.

--Mike Tatreau